If Not Now

picture courtesy www.fotosearch.com

Do you hanker
While it spreads
Like a canker
Within your soul


Sending ripples
Of unease
That ricochet
Never to cease


Incubating
Absorbing
The starving embryo
Grows


In need
In want
A time to gestate
A time to be reborn


The hungry ghost
Cannot be appeased
With stories
Of conformity


If not now, when
If not you, then who
It's not later
It's not them


---Shaku Selvakumar© 2010

The ROI for Life

I was at a workshop this week and enjoyed all the learning that came my way. It was facilitated by two instructors who partnered well despite their diametrically different teaching styles . Phil was a slim second generation American Chinese and Bill was a retired booming alpha male with a Donald Trump personality sans the hairpiece. Could almost hear the "You are fired" echo in the classroom.

I walked in expecting a sedate, boring class where I could possibly open up my laptop and keep working through class. I ended up pleasantly surprised and learning about corporate finance, despite my knee jerk reaction to fiscal prudence.

It is not easy to talk to middle management. They are a bit jaded and tend to feel that they do know it all. Besides they have so much to do, so many miles to go before they sleep. Bill bounces in and gets everyone going, asking us to stand up introduce ourselves and throw three facts, one of which is a lie. That was that little spark that told me that I needed to put my laptop away, sit back and allow myself the luxury of learning.

While Phil calmly provided the foundational input for what we need to know about finance, Bill would jump up, pace the room like a tiger, introduce a simulation where four companies are competing in the marketplace. Each company was given a management team to make key decisions on product mix, production capacity, marketing and development costs. Decisions that would impact our revenue, profit, cash flow and the share price.

To cut to the chase, the teams had fun, competed, collaborated and probably learnt some along the way. On the last day, Bill announced the winning team (which was ours, btw) and said that everyone won. Corny yes, true yes. Everyone did win. At least all those, who for a few days put away our jaded selves and opened our mind to learning once again.

Growing up the popular complaint was always "Mom, can I not go to school today?" or "I can't wait to get rid of my books and not have to sit for another exam." Years pass and we all do grow up, at least in lieu of birthdays. I will not talk about emotional intelligence as that would be another topic for another day.

So the train has stopped at the first station and yes, you no longer have to study for exams. Suddenly you are an adult, eager to join the workforce become financially independent and blah blah blah. You now realize that hey, work means still living by the alarm clock. Projects to finish, politics to grapple with and that hateful word...accountability.

Moving on to the next station, you probably found someone special, settled down and have a couple of kids. Mortgage, rent, taxes, school meetings and you link up with friends from your past on facebook and you are back to reminiscing about the the student life and the good old days.

You reminisce so furiously because you do miss learning. The stimulation of the mind. The joy you get when you have that eureka moment. Even the most cynical of us, cannot but be thrilled when the pieces of the puzzle fit together in the maze in our mind.

On the last day, Bill was very eloquent and instead of telling us to remember ROA, ROI, ROE, he reads out this passage below. I had heard it before. Heard different versions for the last fifteen years, in fact. But hearing it again at a finance workshop of all places, made me stop and pause once again. I went up to him and thanked him and Phil for a great workshop and said "I loved your course" and joked that "I didn't open my laptop". He said "I didn't ask anyone to shut theirs. It is not my place to ask you to choose to learn. That has to be your desire."

I walked away learning about finance and thinking again about the ROI for Life.

"The Station"
by Robert Hastings

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision.
We are traveling by train, out the windows,
we drink in the passing scenes of children
waving at a crossing,
cattle grazing on a distant hillside,
row upon row of corn and wheat,
flatlands and valleys,
mountains and rolling hillsides
and city skylines.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination.
On a certain day, we will pull into the station.
Bands will be playing and flags waving.
Once we get there, our dreams will come true
and the pieces of our lives
will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Restlessly we pace the aisles,
damning the minutes - waiting,
waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I have paid off the mortgage!"
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later, we realize there is no station,
no one place to arrive.
The true joy of life is the trip.
The station is only a dream.
It constantly outdistances us.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto.
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.
Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream,
go barefoot more often,
swim more rivers, watch more sunsets,laugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along.

The STATION will come soon enough.

Picture credit: http://capeverde-islands.com/station.html

On Transition, Choices and The Four Year Plan

When January finally bid adieu and Feb came skipping along, I thought let's hope this month is not attention deficit and hyperactive. Feb is coming to an end and while it is the month to muse on the path with heart, it has also been the month of transition.

A month of reviewing, clearing and creating space. With two daughters heading into middle and high school in August, I watched them start to gather information about what they plan to do next. It is not easy this place of transition.

My FB status update for Feb 10 went something like this. "This is transition week. We have schools giving me input on what we need to know so our kids will have a smooth move into their new schools in August. And they have it so well mapped out. How come adults never get any transition training to deal with work life and that fine balance?"

In retrospect, the information is out there. There are enough career fairs, open houses, information interviews. Planning is everything. I completely agree, but the toughest part is to sift the information and pick up what is relevant for you.

I still remember my transition period during school. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I knew what I couldn't do. I couldn't get the least bit motivated to study commerce. I had signed up for it. Spent a week in that class when I knew by the end of Day 1 that this was not me. Picked up my bags and scooted over to liberal arts to study literature and sociology where I kid you not, my heart sang.

Funny thing happens when the heart sings. You actually spend more time doing your work and less time feeling tired. This was what I wanted my girls to understand about transition week and making choices that push them gently forward. One step closer to defining what would make their heart sing.

I also liked the fact that my daughter going into high school actually gets to look at a four year plan. While she focuses on her immediate future, she also gets to plan the next three years. Hopefully it will give her the chance to experiment, eliminate, extricate and emerge a little closer to understanding how to find that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Experiment - Think buffet. Sometimes it's overwhelming to see the array of food heaped in front of you. But you get to taste variety instead of a la carte. Then go back and and eat more of what you like.

Eliminate - If you can't figure what you want to do, work backwards and try to figure out what you don't like. Then remember to write that down. Many people get stuck in repetitive cycles and wonder why nothing has changed.

Extricate - If you have made a choice and that doesn't sit well with you, then have the courage to acknowledge that you have made a mistake and course correct.

So while she is heads down, figuring out her four year plan, I am revisting mine. And in the words of Jon Bon Jovi, we will both "Map out our future, but do it in pencil."

On Living, Birthdays and Taking Stock

Ironically we seek to live when we are reminded about death. So when a birthday approaches, I typically tend to let it be...and many birthdays have slipped away like a thief in the night.

This year however, three incidents took place in close proximity. The first instance was early March, when we found out a good friend lost his sister suddenly to a random illness. The second was Natasha Richardson, actress, wife and mother of two who goes vacationing, hits her head on a ski slope and without warning this becomes fatal. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. She probably thought that bump on her head would be nothing serious. A perfectly normal day. She probably woke up looking forward to a relaxing vacation. Finally, my good friend Ron Todd who having survived melanoma got double whammied once again by the deadly C and is fighting to kick this monster.

It seemed like a wake up call this month. Questions that surface like bubbles on still water. Where are we heading and how do we make the most of our time on earth. What do those 3 blind sisters holding the scissors have in mind...what discussions are they having right now and about whom?

Coming back to living and an urge not to let another birthday slip away unnoticed by myself. To look at aging another year in the eye and say "I see you and I raise a toast to you!" And reminding myself that I do need to look into my bucket list and start working on it. Can we rewind, no? Can we fast forward, sure...when we refuse to pause to enjoy. Emerson states simply but succinctly "We are always getting ready to live, but never living."

Which led me to...taking stock of what was, what is and what may be. And you realize that it matters naught what you have but who you hold in your embrace. Who you touch with your love, your words, your actions, your thoughts. Without judgement. Four hundred people attended a prayer vigil for Ron last Tuesday in California. There is another vigil being held in Austin this Tuesday. Regardless of the outcome, Ron is already a hero to many.

As Thomas L Odem Jr says "If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy within your heart. Then in living - I have made my mark."

Here's to facing mortality by leaving immortal footprints.

Saving the stories...pass it forward

Everyone loves to hear a good story. It can be cautionary, exemplary, inspirational or even tragic. A good storyteller manages to communicate the essence without preaching. Very often the silence, the untold, the material left to your imagination is what absorbs and grabs your attention.

When I was growing up I loved to listen to my grand aunt’s stories. We knew she added many layers to keep it rich but it enthralled us anyway. We loved it most when she talked about their days in British India. She had us spellbound when we listened to her father’s exploits, the exotic clothes, the jewelry and the lifestyle they led. Big houses, wide open fields, joint families and fates that were often decided by the elders. We would rush to corroborate the story with my Dad, who would absentmindedly say “Oh your Chinnama talks too much”

From my mom’s father, I learnt about the Partition days, when there was fighting and how Delhi was in turmoil with families torn apart and living in fear. We also heard the stories of the Gods and Goddesses, their dramas, and the cliff hangers which decided the balance between the three worlds.

Fast forward to the present day and I realize that we rely more and more on books and sadly have lost the art of story telling. The gathering, the passing of knowledge and wisdom from elder to the young. We live such harried, hurried lives, striving constantly to fight time that we have sacrificed the ritual of storytelling. That which is a key element of the rites of passage. That which provides children with a cultural and personal map which highlights critical bends, stop signs and detours. That which teaches that the future can be lit through the teachings of the past.

As poet David Antin says “Stories are different every time you tell them – they allow so many narratives.” Retelling is also a reminder to ourselves…not to forget that which should not be forgotten. The connection that there is mystery in this universe, that thread that binds us, helps our children appreciate community in a world that increasingly emphasizes individuality. The hero’s journey is never without allies. Cantadora, Jungian poet and writer, Clarissa Pinkola Estes notes "The craft of questions, the craft of stories, the craft of the hands - all these are the making of something, and that something is soul. Anytime we feed soul, it guarantees increase."

Dig deep enough and each family has a treasure trove of triumph, heartache, joy and love. There are black sheep, everyday heroes, love stories and adventures. “How uncle got kicked out of school for cheating on his exam” is as relevant as “How your grandfather migrated to America with $25 in his pocket”. Narration and interaction also helps them understand the principle of cause and effect.

Similarly, the myths that we have grown up hearing are still relevant in the digital age. When we were in India last year, I saw a statue of Lord Ganesh with a laptop instead of the traditional book. We had a good laugh but it also brought home the fact there is nothing wrong in updating our myths. As the visionary Joseph Campbell underlines “We need myths that will identify the individual not with his local group but with the planet”.
As we delve deeper into the stories, personal and multi cultural, we can truly understand that which binds us together is far stronger than that which isolates.

Power Play...Who Wins

Let’s just be candid here. Most of us are engaged in power plays. At home, at work, on the playground, where ever, what ever. As old as the holy book, as long as man has existed, the battle has not been about money. It has been about power. Who has it, who will lose it... Like Abe Lincoln said “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power”.

As children we quickly learn that being popular has certain pre requisites. It is a parallel universe where what you learn outside the classroom is more interesting than within. Of course, you are now part of the in crowd and the internal struggle begins to retain the crown. From attire, to accessories, to your girlfriends and boyfriends, choices are made. Here is your first test. Power or naught.

As we grow, we watch our parents, observe other role models, peers, government/business leaders and as we are socialized, we will start responding to our issues with power. At home, power struggles between partners will either result in an outright victory, an acceptable compromise or an uneasy truce. Aggressive or passive aggressive, the power principle is addictive.

I remember my days as an intern at an advertising agency. I was out of college where we loved playing the rebel without a cause and jumped straight into the jaws of the mad ad world. It was tough to go from “Me World” to the lowest rung on the ladder. Running errands for the account executives, waiting for lofty creative directors, listening to whiny clients and pandering to the art director’s tantrums sucked the energy right out. So you promise yourself that you will climb that ladder and regain what you lost. Enter Ambition. Now Ambition commonly can take three routes to the top.

Elevator Approach
You just can’t wait to get to the top. You had a headstart. Your family pulled some strings. You were born devastatingly beautiful. You live in the penthouse. You crawled into the elevator and went straight up.

Escalator Approach
You had a game plan. You studied the field and figured how you could reach the top with as little effort as possible. You did learn some along the way but you worked on being singled out and started a rapid ascent.

Stairs Approach
You have no problems with hard work. You started as an intern or as someone’s assistant and rose to the top. You know more about the company than anyone else. You, my friend are patient and the most determined. You understand how the farmer tills the land, plants the seed, waters, protects, sprays for pests and reaps the harvest.

Ambition has helped you gain power. Now Power is a double edged sword. As we all know, if not wielded well, it burns the house down. Like the Ring that Frodo bears which corrupts him even as he limps to the Mount of Doom trying to evade the Eye of Mordor. Gandalf didn’t want it, Boromir dies for it and Gollum erodes from man to slimy beast.

So if you are caught in a power play at work or anywhere else, distance yourself. Power only feeds on willing victims. As Jung aptly puts it “Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”

Bend without Breaking...lessons from children

When I allow myself to relax and watch my girls, I walk away with some wonderful insights.

Take the whole concept of change. It is everywhere, it is constant. Who moved the cheese? Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. If you don’t change, you will not evolve. Right, we get it. And this December, with the global financial meltdown, even Joe the Plumber gets it. The avalanche has started and it will leave no person unaffected.

We listen to all these mantras and continue to resist change in all ways possible. Why? Because change is a hard six letter word. True change is to re fashion, re mould, renovate. This is hard because we program ourselves to resist. Another ‘re’ word. Darn, I do not want to give up my cozy armchair of old habits and use that new wooden chair with no cushion. Like Goldilocks, it’s too hard, it’s too soft, and I want it just right.

Children, however, are faced with change constantly. Every year, they have new teachers, new classrooms, new schedules, new friends, new enemies and new challenges. My daughter who went to a new middle school this fall went from familiar to unfamiliar with a manic schedule, new faces, a new bus route, more homework and new projects. She will experience change again in January when the first semester ends and another one starts with new electives. I am in awe of her resilience and her ability to weather change.

Adapting to change is not easy, like the inverse bell curve, you will bottom out but when you climb out of it, your reality shifts. As we grow older, we tend to relegate discovery to the basement. Change becomes a hard wired, rigid process. Fear replaces wonder and we lose our agility along the way.

Accept the change. Voluntary or involuntary, the more you fight the change, the harder it gets. Like the Chinese finger puzzle, you sink deeper and deeper into the stronghold. Downsized, laid off, new job, new home, new city, new spouse… It is done. You look at the cards you have and figure out how to work the deck. Kids walk into a new class every year. Yes, they do complain about their teachers but they know that this is a fact of life.

Don’t hide your feelings When you hit the trough of disillusionment (I just love the Gartner Hype Cycle), reach out to your family and close friends. We have no trouble with the happy face but would rather suffer alone than admit that the curve ball that life just threw at you is more than you can handle. That cold, clammy whisper that tells you that you cannot cope is very real and the sooner you talk about it, the easier it becomes. Little ones come home and rattle off their woes. “Hey mama, I hate Maddie. She made fun off me in class.” Or “I don’t want to go to school anymore.” The issue is still there but sharing it is great therapy. Everybody hurts, everybody cries.

Don’t look back Or like that Greek myth, you turn into stone. Which is what happens when we stay in the past, we cannot move forward. The past is always sepia colored and despite the flaws in the pictures, we knew the past so it was safe. If you have moved to a new place, embrace it whole heartedly. Don’t hanker for your old home. We cannot live in two worlds at the same time unless you know a lot about time travel and the string theory. Children rarely stay in the past or worry about the future. They might miss it but they are too busy being in the present. And they just don’t have the bandwidth to fear the future.

Experiment with change My 5 year old is always “pushing our buttons.” She is ready to go anywhere with little or no notice. She runs after a butterfly, grabs the neighbor’s dog by its tail, says hello to everyone in the supermarket and lives completely in the moment. Instead of fearing change, we can practice flexibility by starting with small practices like taking a different route to work, ordering the bento box instead of the usual sandwich or learning a new language or skill.

In the words of the greatest change management guru, Darwin, “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change”