On Starfish, Teachers and Appreciation

This note is dedicated to my beautiful aunt whose fight with the deadly cancer ended today.  May her soul rest in peace.  She was a wonderful mother, a devoted wife, a considerate aunt and along with the family she loved, she was a teacher for 30 years.  As was my grand mother and my grand aunt.  Women who taught and left an impression in so many hearts. "Do we ever die, if we can touch one life, change one destiny, inspire one verse."

This post is about celebrating the legacy left behind by these teachers who have spent their lives throwing so many starfish back into the sea.

Coincidently, next week is Teacher’s Appreciation week at my daughters’ schools. A wonderful concept and so well deserved. PTAs have spent time pulling together a schedule to show their teachers that they are truly loved. We will have flowers, lunches, handmade cards and other little tokens.  


As I see my girls in their different stages of growth, I can remember the teacher who told me not to worry that my eldest was so shy. “She will find her way” she reassured. “And I will be there to make things better.” I remember my second one crying when her favorite teacher, Ms Plevich, left school and my little girl was so angry that “she had to get married and move away”. I remember the youngest naming two pillows after Ms Lana and Ms Maribel and talking to them at night.


I can also go down memory lane and like Dumbledore taking a wisp out of his Pensieve, see Ms Carter igniting the love of literature in my heart. Of course, I wince when I think of Mr Delaney’s tiring Math classes on Monday mornings but there was drama and debate and Pierette Spetz’s passionate French classes that kept me spellbound. Indian teachers, American teachers, British teachers…the good ones left footprints in my heart. Some would push us to reach for the stars.  Like beacons and in Gandhi’s words, they helped “turn the spotlight inward.”


If you were paying attention and listening to the clues, some very apparent and some subtle, you experienced an “aha”. Seeing talent and potential that we couldn't yet grasp. The good teachers would take time to write in your report cards. Little notes on your strengths and areas you could improve upon. I didn’t appreciate those notes when I was younger. I would get irritated that someone dared find fault. Oh, the arrogance and impatience of youth. As Jacques Barzun so aptly puts it “In teaching you cannot see the fruit of a day's work. It is invisible and remains so, maybe for twenty years.” Or more… 

In India, the role of the teacher used to be sacred. Highly revered, teachers or gurus held sway even over kings. And in the order of the universe, they occupied a place of prominence. Mata, Pita, Guru, Deivam…Mother, Father, Teacher, God. Gurus demanded complete faith and obedience in return for knowledge and enlightenment.

Many of us have been mentored or been "guru-ed" at some stage or another. People who have come into our lives. To teach, to guide, to ignite and to lead by example. You can immediately recognize a mentor at an instinctual level. There is a keen desire to listen, to absorb like a sponge, whatever you can. 


Of course, the opposite is true as well where unhealthy relationships are characterized by an over dependence on a mentor. Here you feel paralyzed, unable to take decisions without their express approval.


When you strike gold, you find good mentors who are there to untap potential and provide a feedback loop so critical for development. And when their work is done, they move on naturally.


So here’s to teachers and mentors…may your clan increase. And may we close the loop by passing it forward. Salutations!


“The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.” Kahlil Gibran

Seven for Spring

The idea for this post originated on Facebook which I recently likened to my virtual living room. It started simply enough last week. After visiting mail jail again, I put an update out that went something like this "Don't be an email hoarder. Junk those emails that are more than 6 months old. It aint relevant no more." Soon my friends were commenting and I thought hey maybe there are more tips out there. Here are Shaku's Magnificent Seven as my limerick loving friend, Manjul puts it.


Spring cleaning tip #1
Keep what is important throw away the rest. Or the trivial will make all what is important trivial.

As I had to start clearing out emails from years past, I was horrified to find out that I was a secret email hoarder. These emails that were jamming my inbox and my outbox about things that nobody even cared about. Though I tried to have folders, I realized that if you don't clear regularly, you end up cramming your life with so much that is trivial that you lose sight of what is important. This applies from emails, to tasks, to meetings, to lists, to pantries, to refrigerators. I love the Stephen Covey big rock little pebble analogy. Attend to the important and the trivial will sort itself. Ask that question. Is this important? Should I waste XX time over this. Is this argument important or is it trivial. Can I let it go? Do I have to add another after school activity for my kids, can we not just focus on a select few. Once you decide, make peace with the decision. I was watching Robin Sharma's vlog and he says that every year his team decides on what they should focus on and then even if opportunties come by they get tough and only pick up what aligns with their focus areas.

Spring cleaning tip #2
Apply the 70:30 relationship principle. Spend 70% of your time with the 30% who matter.

This is so simple, right. So how come we have trouble applying this principle. I know some folks who make this a priority. Others think they have all the time in the world. Growing up, all I remember is my Dad telling us that we were the most important people in his life and that he was happy spending his time after work with us. Of course, that meant that we would get dragged to all these boring parties with people who would peer at us and say "Oh Selva, what charming daughters you have." or "So when are you getting her married." Like I was some invisible object waiting to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. But, the point is, he made it clear that there were a few people who were important to him and that was that. We all know about Harry Chapin and the Cat's in the Cradle. "When you comin home, Dad." "I don't know when. But we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time then." Who, why, when and where. You and in the now with those you love because time flies.

Spring cleaning tip #3
Make friends with yourself. If you don't enjoy your own company then why should anyone else be interested in you.

Ask yourself this key question. If you had one hour to spend. Would you spend it doing nothing or rushing off to make a phone call, picking up groceries or making a long to do list that made you feel good. Of course, you have to do all the things you have to do. Or bills would be unpaid, careers floating in the toilet bowl, dishes piled up, laundry languishing in the dryer etc. Yes, yes, I know. Been there, doing that and keep doing that everyday. But do you seek yourself out. Do you enjoy just sitting down and allowing your mind to roam. To think, to understand. To replay your reactions to certain incidents. Take a ten minute walk alone everyday. If you can't walk, then go out and sit in a quiet space. Lock yourself in your closet. You don't need to close your eyes and Om. You just need to get one step to understanding yourself and your motivations. Why, because understanding yourself brings you one step closer to understanding your reactions to others. When you do that constantly you will stop being on the defensive.

Spring cleaning tip #4
Let go of toxic emotional cellulite. Get rid of BAGgage. Bitterness | Anger | Guilt. Travel light.

This one belongs to a good friend of mine. Rules of engagement for relationships. Like that Katy Perry song, hot and you're cold, up and you're down. We fight we make up, we kiss we break up. This is true for most relationships. Friends, family, lovers. Over the years we have accumulated so much emotional cellulite that sits like a camel's hump on your back. This cellulite is a living, breathing alien that is made up of bitterness, anger, guilt, jealousy and it is dormant and when you least expect it, it will send out a volley of spite. How do you break regular cellulite, by regular exercise, eating right and it takes time, but at some point your body starts to show the results. With emotional cellulite you have to pretty much do the same. You make a conscious effort to trace the affected areas. Recognition is key. Awareness. Followed by honesty. You have own it and then shield, forgive and love. Forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness and then let it go. Every day is a new day to do it differently.

Spring cleaning tip #5
Recall faded dreams and unused gifts. Plant new seeds of possibility. Doesn't Spring symbolize resurrection?

This one is my personal favorite. I was wandering in my garden discovering new plants and amazed at how quickly growth took place with branches sprouting green. I felt like Jack waking up to that overnight beanstalk. You go for a walk and you see more people smile at you because that is what fairweather brings with it. Spring, flirting birds, blue skies and butterflies make people happy. Just like nature is resurrecting around us, this is fertile soul environment to start something new. Plant a project dear to your heart in the garden of your heart. Invest in it and feel the emotional wellness. The common thread is people saying well I don't really know what I like or what I want to do. But if you go to tip # 3 and spend some time with yourself you will figure it out sooner than you think. There is something that each one of us will do before we tackle the mundane tasks in our lives. For me, I am sitting here on a Friday night, writing. Some like scrapbooking, other's want to open their own restaurant, others want to play in a band. So you may not be able to fund a restaurant, perhaps you join a cooking club. You may not have time to play in a band, perhaps you could learn an instrument. Or you may decide to leap and follow, like Martha Beck would say, your North Star.

Spring cleaning tip #6
Go 3D. Drop the entitlement. Defend your boundaries. Deny energy vampires.

The problem with entitlement is that makes us all a bunch of whiners. It is quite tiring to hang around people who constantly expect to be served a slice of some imaginary pie that was supposed to be baked by someone else.
We have heard this many times and we still let people invade our boundaries. We end up getting into a loop where they invade, we submit and then we complain.
What can I say about energy vampires that hasn't been stated so many times. These aren't even Edward Cullen cute. You don't have to wear garlic around your neck but you do have to figure out the Debbie downers and disengage. According to James Redfield and his ground breaking novel The Celestine Prophecy, we typically steal energy from each other engaging in four key control dramas. So ask yourself, are you dealing with a "poor me" or "the aloof" or "the critic" or "the intimidator". Each one has a way of drawing energy and each encounter will leave you tired.

Spring cleaning tip #7
Create and own your personal mantra. If you want it, chant it.

Find a quiet spot and create your affirmation to bring renewed energy to that area of your life that needs a makeover. I can't tell you how many times, I have written it down and let it go. A year would have passed and when I go back and read it, I am always amazed at the gifts that have come to pass. Say you want to sell your house, write down exactly what you want from the sale.
But there has to be a clause that is part of every mantra that you ask for it to be aligned to your greatest good. Many times we can't see the bigger picture. We can only see the present because the past is over and we are not meant to peek into the future.

There is a common link across the wisdom of ages, that you have to align with the passion for life.  Nature resurrects every spring.  Demeter goes insane looking for Persephone during winter and finds her and rejoices in Spring.  She unveils her Spring masterpiece every year...without demur, without fanfare, without complaint, without resistance, without judgement.

When you do what you do just because you enjoy it, that is the spark that sets off a chain reaction. The more you fret about what everyone thinks of you, the less you are able to trust yourself.

This quote from Joseph Campbell sums it up so well "When you go through life ... it all seems accidental at the time it is happening. Then when you get on in your 60s or 70s and look back, your life looks like a well-planned novel with a coherent theme. Incidents that seemed accidental, pure chance, turn out to be major elements in the structuring of this novel. Who wrote this novel? You did."

Parvati

I walked into the fire
Before I was born again
The heat was searing
But the heart knew no pain

I knew I would return
To finish what I started
Seeking you out
Offering my worship

Turning anger to love
Chaos contained
Fury tamed
Balance regained

Shiva and Shakti
Wisdom and Strength
Osiris and Isis
Birth and Rebirth

That destiny
Is a thought
A primeval energy
A dream
A priority

I am devotion
Creation
Destruction
Celebration
Your salvation

I am Parvati,
The Daughter Of the Mountain King

---Shaku Selvakumar© 2009

In Sickness and In Health

First week of March and there was the promise of spring in the air. I was looking forward to attending SXSW and mingling with all the cool folks whose tweets lit up the twitterstream.  I was fine...happy.

So the pain that hit me last weekend didn't make any sense. Like most folks out there, I don't like pain but I am also stubborn when it comes to medication. I would rather let the pain simmer like a rich stew on the burner before doing something about it. It is almost like this dialogue I have in my head. Is it hurting? Must you fix it? Can't it go away on its own? Of course, you are probably shaking your head right now and thinking what the heck is wrong with you, woman. Just take an Advil and get it over with. Well I did, when I couldn't stand anymore. There is also another funny thing about our bodies and pain. We find the best position to take to deal with the pain. I found that the best position is curling in a fetal position.

The alarm goes off at 6 am on Monday so another wonderful school and work week can kick into high gear. You know the drill, get the breakfast, holler "wake up" three times and then yell WAKE UP NOW or ELSE, check off all the little details till the kids board the bus. That morning I couldn't go vertical and I think uh oh... I call the clinic and say I need to see my doctor. Something is getting ready to burst.

I love these clinics. You walk in stooped and ashen and you sit in a waiting room and look around. Everyone there would rather be somewhere else. Everyone there is thinking I would give anything to be healthy. Everyone there is waiting to take a test and get the results. Everyone there wants a quick fix. Just like me.

There is in sickness, a new found humility. Suddenly you are aware that this body of yours, this exquisite, intricate well oiled machine that you take for granted everyday is prone to age. As you wait you promise yourself that you will take better care of yourself. You will exercise more, eat better and worry less.

Without going TMI here, the doctor orders a few tests, throws words out like biopsy and cyst, talks about surgery on Thursday or Friday and I sadly kiss SXSW goodbye. Fast forward Friday, I am talking to a pleasant nurse who has just moved to Austin and a cheerful anaesthetist who has lived in Austin for 26 years. I am told I will be woozy after the medication has worn off and not to sign any legal document for 24 hours. So before I am wheeled out, I make a pact with my maker. I pray that I will turn over a new leaf and take better care of my body and spirit.

All goes well thankfully and we come home as I am drifting in and out of a deep sleep.

To net it out, life does happen. Sickness happens and mostly without warning. However, I do believe that some ailments can be prevented through an increased awareness of the correlation between the physical ailment and the emotional state. To treat the illness you have to look at both symptoms. When I need a sanity check, I dip into Louise Hay's bestseller, You can heal yourself. Here is a sample on some ailments and the associated emotional blockage. 

Anxiety: Not trusting the flow and the process of life.

Back problems

--Lower Fear of money. Lack of financial support

--Middle Guilt. Stuck in all that stuff back there. "Get off my back"
--Upper Lack of emotional support. Feeling unloved. Holding back love.


Callouses: Hardened concepts and ideas. Fear solidified.

Fever: Anger. Burning up

Laryngitis: So mad you can't speak. Fear of speaking up. Resentment of authority

Stomach problems: Dread and fear of the new. Inability to assimilate the new.

As I write this, I am trying to figure out my symptoms so it can stay away and not come back another day.  I also remember proudly telling my manager, I didn't take any sick leave last year.  I may not have taken sick leave but I do remember feeling run down when December came along.  Now, I tend to think that sick leave should not be used when you fall sick rather when you feel like you might fall sick if you don't stop and take a break.  It could be that one day of rest could avoid a weakened state resulting in a week of bed rest. 

Me, I can't wait to get off these painkillers and out of bed and go for a long long walk. That Austin sun, those blue skies and the hint of Spring cannot be enjoyed indoors.  As for SXSW, I guess 2011 might just be my year.

"It's no coincidence that four of the six letters in health are "heal." ~Ed Northstrum

The ROI for Life

I was at a workshop this week and enjoyed all the learning that came my way. It was facilitated by two instructors who partnered well despite their diametrically different teaching styles . Phil was a slim second generation American Chinese and Bill was a retired booming alpha male with a Donald Trump personality sans the hairpiece. Could almost hear the "You are fired" echo in the classroom.

I walked in expecting a sedate, boring class where I could possibly open up my laptop and keep working through class. I ended up pleasantly surprised and learning about corporate finance, despite my knee jerk reaction to fiscal prudence.

It is not easy to talk to middle management. They are a bit jaded and tend to feel that they do know it all. Besides they have so much to do, so many miles to go before they sleep. Bill bounces in and gets everyone going, asking us to stand up introduce ourselves and throw three facts, one of which is a lie. That was that little spark that told me that I needed to put my laptop away, sit back and allow myself the luxury of learning.

While Phil calmly provided the foundational input for what we need to know about finance, Bill would jump up, pace the room like a tiger, introduce a simulation where four companies are competing in the marketplace. Each company was given a management team to make key decisions on product mix, production capacity, marketing and development costs. Decisions that would impact our revenue, profit, cash flow and the share price.

To cut to the chase, the teams had fun, competed, collaborated and probably learnt some along the way. On the last day, Bill announced the winning team (which was ours, btw) and said that everyone won. Corny yes, true yes. Everyone did win. At least all those, who for a few days put away our jaded selves and opened our mind to learning once again.

Growing up the popular complaint was always "Mom, can I not go to school today?" or "I can't wait to get rid of my books and not have to sit for another exam." Years pass and we all do grow up, at least in lieu of birthdays. I will not talk about emotional intelligence as that would be another topic for another day.

So the train has stopped at the first station and yes, you no longer have to study for exams. Suddenly you are an adult, eager to join the workforce become financially independent and blah blah blah. You now realize that hey, work means still living by the alarm clock. Projects to finish, politics to grapple with and that hateful word...accountability.

Moving on to the next station, you probably found someone special, settled down and have a couple of kids. Mortgage, rent, taxes, school meetings and you link up with friends from your past on facebook and you are back to reminiscing about the the student life and the good old days.

You reminisce so furiously because you do miss learning. The stimulation of the mind. The joy you get when you have that eureka moment. Even the most cynical of us, cannot but be thrilled when the pieces of the puzzle fit together in the maze in our mind.

On the last day, Bill was very eloquent and instead of telling us to remember ROA, ROI, ROE, he reads out this passage below. I had heard it before. Heard different versions for the last fifteen years, in fact. But hearing it again at a finance workshop of all places, made me stop and pause once again. I went up to him and thanked him and Phil for a great workshop and said "I loved your course" and joked that "I didn't open my laptop". He said "I didn't ask anyone to shut theirs. It is not my place to ask you to choose to learn. That has to be your desire."

I walked away learning about finance and thinking again about the ROI for Life.

"The Station"
by Robert Hastings

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision.
We are traveling by train, out the windows,
we drink in the passing scenes of children
waving at a crossing,
cattle grazing on a distant hillside,
row upon row of corn and wheat,
flatlands and valleys,
mountains and rolling hillsides
and city skylines.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination.
On a certain day, we will pull into the station.
Bands will be playing and flags waving.
Once we get there, our dreams will come true
and the pieces of our lives
will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Restlessly we pace the aisles,
damning the minutes - waiting,
waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I have paid off the mortgage!"
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later, we realize there is no station,
no one place to arrive.
The true joy of life is the trip.
The station is only a dream.
It constantly outdistances us.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto.
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.
Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream,
go barefoot more often,
swim more rivers, watch more sunsets,laugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along.

The STATION will come soon enough.

Picture credit: http://capeverde-islands.com/station.html

On Transition, Choices and The Four Year Plan

When January finally bid adieu and Feb came skipping along, I thought let's hope this month is not attention deficit and hyperactive. Feb is coming to an end and while it is the month to muse on the path with heart, it has also been the month of transition.

A month of reviewing, clearing and creating space. With two daughters heading into middle and high school in August, I watched them start to gather information about what they plan to do next. It is not easy this place of transition.

My FB status update for Feb 10 went something like this. "This is transition week. We have schools giving me input on what we need to know so our kids will have a smooth move into their new schools in August. And they have it so well mapped out. How come adults never get any transition training to deal with work life and that fine balance?"

In retrospect, the information is out there. There are enough career fairs, open houses, information interviews. Planning is everything. I completely agree, but the toughest part is to sift the information and pick up what is relevant for you.

I still remember my transition period during school. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I knew what I couldn't do. I couldn't get the least bit motivated to study commerce. I had signed up for it. Spent a week in that class when I knew by the end of Day 1 that this was not me. Picked up my bags and scooted over to liberal arts to study literature and sociology where I kid you not, my heart sang.

Funny thing happens when the heart sings. You actually spend more time doing your work and less time feeling tired. This was what I wanted my girls to understand about transition week and making choices that push them gently forward. One step closer to defining what would make their heart sing.

I also liked the fact that my daughter going into high school actually gets to look at a four year plan. While she focuses on her immediate future, she also gets to plan the next three years. Hopefully it will give her the chance to experiment, eliminate, extricate and emerge a little closer to understanding how to find that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Experiment - Think buffet. Sometimes it's overwhelming to see the array of food heaped in front of you. But you get to taste variety instead of a la carte. Then go back and and eat more of what you like.

Eliminate - If you can't figure what you want to do, work backwards and try to figure out what you don't like. Then remember to write that down. Many people get stuck in repetitive cycles and wonder why nothing has changed.

Extricate - If you have made a choice and that doesn't sit well with you, then have the courage to acknowledge that you have made a mistake and course correct.

So while she is heads down, figuring out her four year plan, I am revisting mine. And in the words of Jon Bon Jovi, we will both "Map out our future, but do it in pencil."

Follow the Path with Heart - Musings for February

I have been pondering over this month's theme. Just to set the record straight, I don't have themes but lightbulbs typically pop when you are busy cooking, working, dreaming. Lightbulbs don't ask for permission. They barge right in and if you are not home, they fuse ever so gently.

So I digress as the theme is not lightbulbs, it is all about HEART. You might argue that heart should not be a theme for one month, it is forever. And you would be absolutely right.

Why now, why this month. Apart from the obvious that Cupid has a dedicated day which retail stores are exploiting, it was prompted by some incredible musings by some gifted writers.

I believe that each one of us knows about this path with heart. Some of us have followed it and some of us have stood on the sidelines wringing our hands choosing the dictates of the head instead. There are no right or wrong answers as to each a journey as unique as a fingerprint.

But and this is a big BUT...

When you look in the mirror with eyes listless, unwilling, dragging your feet.
When you are tired by the thought of Monday.
When you can't remember as you seem to forget too often.
When you feel anxiety creeping, clutching at you with clammy fingers reminding you of possible failure.
When you look back to find a whole bunch of coulda, shoulda, woulda and only ifs

All these whens and there are more warning whens.

Then if you don't stop to have that talk about the path with heart with the man in the mirror. Then you have betrayed yourself.

Now the path with heart is not about chucking your paycheck, getting on that bike and riding the wind. It could be that for some. It could also be about finding that nugget in our treasure chest that brightens those eyes, that lifts the chin, that squares the shoulder. Once you find it, once you have the courage to pursue it, once you understand that no outside voice can quell it, you are set free.

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense." The Alchemist