Parvati

I walked into the fire
Before I was born again
The heat was searing
But the heart knew no pain

I knew I would return
To finish what I started
Seeking you out
Offering my worship

Turning anger to love
Chaos contained
Fury tamed
Balance regained

Shiva and Shakti
Wisdom and Strength
Osiris and Isis
Birth and Rebirth

That destiny
Is a thought
A primeval energy
A dream
A priority

I am devotion
Creation
Destruction
Celebration
Your salvation

I am Parvati,
The Daughter Of the Mountain King

---Shaku Selvakumar© 2009

In Sickness and In Health

First week of March and there was the promise of spring in the air. I was looking forward to attending SXSW and mingling with all the cool folks whose tweets lit up the twitterstream.  I was fine...happy.

So the pain that hit me last weekend didn't make any sense. Like most folks out there, I don't like pain but I am also stubborn when it comes to medication. I would rather let the pain simmer like a rich stew on the burner before doing something about it. It is almost like this dialogue I have in my head. Is it hurting? Must you fix it? Can't it go away on its own? Of course, you are probably shaking your head right now and thinking what the heck is wrong with you, woman. Just take an Advil and get it over with. Well I did, when I couldn't stand anymore. There is also another funny thing about our bodies and pain. We find the best position to take to deal with the pain. I found that the best position is curling in a fetal position.

The alarm goes off at 6 am on Monday so another wonderful school and work week can kick into high gear. You know the drill, get the breakfast, holler "wake up" three times and then yell WAKE UP NOW or ELSE, check off all the little details till the kids board the bus. That morning I couldn't go vertical and I think uh oh... I call the clinic and say I need to see my doctor. Something is getting ready to burst.

I love these clinics. You walk in stooped and ashen and you sit in a waiting room and look around. Everyone there would rather be somewhere else. Everyone there is thinking I would give anything to be healthy. Everyone there is waiting to take a test and get the results. Everyone there wants a quick fix. Just like me.

There is in sickness, a new found humility. Suddenly you are aware that this body of yours, this exquisite, intricate well oiled machine that you take for granted everyday is prone to age. As you wait you promise yourself that you will take better care of yourself. You will exercise more, eat better and worry less.

Without going TMI here, the doctor orders a few tests, throws words out like biopsy and cyst, talks about surgery on Thursday or Friday and I sadly kiss SXSW goodbye. Fast forward Friday, I am talking to a pleasant nurse who has just moved to Austin and a cheerful anaesthetist who has lived in Austin for 26 years. I am told I will be woozy after the medication has worn off and not to sign any legal document for 24 hours. So before I am wheeled out, I make a pact with my maker. I pray that I will turn over a new leaf and take better care of my body and spirit.

All goes well thankfully and we come home as I am drifting in and out of a deep sleep.

To net it out, life does happen. Sickness happens and mostly without warning. However, I do believe that some ailments can be prevented through an increased awareness of the correlation between the physical ailment and the emotional state. To treat the illness you have to look at both symptoms. When I need a sanity check, I dip into Louise Hay's bestseller, You can heal yourself. Here is a sample on some ailments and the associated emotional blockage. 

Anxiety: Not trusting the flow and the process of life.

Back problems

--Lower Fear of money. Lack of financial support

--Middle Guilt. Stuck in all that stuff back there. "Get off my back"
--Upper Lack of emotional support. Feeling unloved. Holding back love.


Callouses: Hardened concepts and ideas. Fear solidified.

Fever: Anger. Burning up

Laryngitis: So mad you can't speak. Fear of speaking up. Resentment of authority

Stomach problems: Dread and fear of the new. Inability to assimilate the new.

As I write this, I am trying to figure out my symptoms so it can stay away and not come back another day.  I also remember proudly telling my manager, I didn't take any sick leave last year.  I may not have taken sick leave but I do remember feeling run down when December came along.  Now, I tend to think that sick leave should not be used when you fall sick rather when you feel like you might fall sick if you don't stop and take a break.  It could be that one day of rest could avoid a weakened state resulting in a week of bed rest. 

Me, I can't wait to get off these painkillers and out of bed and go for a long long walk. That Austin sun, those blue skies and the hint of Spring cannot be enjoyed indoors.  As for SXSW, I guess 2011 might just be my year.

"It's no coincidence that four of the six letters in health are "heal." ~Ed Northstrum

The ROI for Life

I was at a workshop this week and enjoyed all the learning that came my way. It was facilitated by two instructors who partnered well despite their diametrically different teaching styles . Phil was a slim second generation American Chinese and Bill was a retired booming alpha male with a Donald Trump personality sans the hairpiece. Could almost hear the "You are fired" echo in the classroom.

I walked in expecting a sedate, boring class where I could possibly open up my laptop and keep working through class. I ended up pleasantly surprised and learning about corporate finance, despite my knee jerk reaction to fiscal prudence.

It is not easy to talk to middle management. They are a bit jaded and tend to feel that they do know it all. Besides they have so much to do, so many miles to go before they sleep. Bill bounces in and gets everyone going, asking us to stand up introduce ourselves and throw three facts, one of which is a lie. That was that little spark that told me that I needed to put my laptop away, sit back and allow myself the luxury of learning.

While Phil calmly provided the foundational input for what we need to know about finance, Bill would jump up, pace the room like a tiger, introduce a simulation where four companies are competing in the marketplace. Each company was given a management team to make key decisions on product mix, production capacity, marketing and development costs. Decisions that would impact our revenue, profit, cash flow and the share price.

To cut to the chase, the teams had fun, competed, collaborated and probably learnt some along the way. On the last day, Bill announced the winning team (which was ours, btw) and said that everyone won. Corny yes, true yes. Everyone did win. At least all those, who for a few days put away our jaded selves and opened our mind to learning once again.

Growing up the popular complaint was always "Mom, can I not go to school today?" or "I can't wait to get rid of my books and not have to sit for another exam." Years pass and we all do grow up, at least in lieu of birthdays. I will not talk about emotional intelligence as that would be another topic for another day.

So the train has stopped at the first station and yes, you no longer have to study for exams. Suddenly you are an adult, eager to join the workforce become financially independent and blah blah blah. You now realize that hey, work means still living by the alarm clock. Projects to finish, politics to grapple with and that hateful word...accountability.

Moving on to the next station, you probably found someone special, settled down and have a couple of kids. Mortgage, rent, taxes, school meetings and you link up with friends from your past on facebook and you are back to reminiscing about the the student life and the good old days.

You reminisce so furiously because you do miss learning. The stimulation of the mind. The joy you get when you have that eureka moment. Even the most cynical of us, cannot but be thrilled when the pieces of the puzzle fit together in the maze in our mind.

On the last day, Bill was very eloquent and instead of telling us to remember ROA, ROI, ROE, he reads out this passage below. I had heard it before. Heard different versions for the last fifteen years, in fact. But hearing it again at a finance workshop of all places, made me stop and pause once again. I went up to him and thanked him and Phil for a great workshop and said "I loved your course" and joked that "I didn't open my laptop". He said "I didn't ask anyone to shut theirs. It is not my place to ask you to choose to learn. That has to be your desire."

I walked away learning about finance and thinking again about the ROI for Life.

"The Station"
by Robert Hastings

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision.
We are traveling by train, out the windows,
we drink in the passing scenes of children
waving at a crossing,
cattle grazing on a distant hillside,
row upon row of corn and wheat,
flatlands and valleys,
mountains and rolling hillsides
and city skylines.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination.
On a certain day, we will pull into the station.
Bands will be playing and flags waving.
Once we get there, our dreams will come true
and the pieces of our lives
will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Restlessly we pace the aisles,
damning the minutes - waiting,
waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I have paid off the mortgage!"
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later, we realize there is no station,
no one place to arrive.
The true joy of life is the trip.
The station is only a dream.
It constantly outdistances us.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto.
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.
Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream,
go barefoot more often,
swim more rivers, watch more sunsets,laugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along.

The STATION will come soon enough.

Picture credit: http://capeverde-islands.com/station.html

On Transition, Choices and The Four Year Plan

When January finally bid adieu and Feb came skipping along, I thought let's hope this month is not attention deficit and hyperactive. Feb is coming to an end and while it is the month to muse on the path with heart, it has also been the month of transition.

A month of reviewing, clearing and creating space. With two daughters heading into middle and high school in August, I watched them start to gather information about what they plan to do next. It is not easy this place of transition.

My FB status update for Feb 10 went something like this. "This is transition week. We have schools giving me input on what we need to know so our kids will have a smooth move into their new schools in August. And they have it so well mapped out. How come adults never get any transition training to deal with work life and that fine balance?"

In retrospect, the information is out there. There are enough career fairs, open houses, information interviews. Planning is everything. I completely agree, but the toughest part is to sift the information and pick up what is relevant for you.

I still remember my transition period during school. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I knew what I couldn't do. I couldn't get the least bit motivated to study commerce. I had signed up for it. Spent a week in that class when I knew by the end of Day 1 that this was not me. Picked up my bags and scooted over to liberal arts to study literature and sociology where I kid you not, my heart sang.

Funny thing happens when the heart sings. You actually spend more time doing your work and less time feeling tired. This was what I wanted my girls to understand about transition week and making choices that push them gently forward. One step closer to defining what would make their heart sing.

I also liked the fact that my daughter going into high school actually gets to look at a four year plan. While she focuses on her immediate future, she also gets to plan the next three years. Hopefully it will give her the chance to experiment, eliminate, extricate and emerge a little closer to understanding how to find that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Experiment - Think buffet. Sometimes it's overwhelming to see the array of food heaped in front of you. But you get to taste variety instead of a la carte. Then go back and and eat more of what you like.

Eliminate - If you can't figure what you want to do, work backwards and try to figure out what you don't like. Then remember to write that down. Many people get stuck in repetitive cycles and wonder why nothing has changed.

Extricate - If you have made a choice and that doesn't sit well with you, then have the courage to acknowledge that you have made a mistake and course correct.

So while she is heads down, figuring out her four year plan, I am revisting mine. And in the words of Jon Bon Jovi, we will both "Map out our future, but do it in pencil."

Follow the Path with Heart - Musings for February

I have been pondering over this month's theme. Just to set the record straight, I don't have themes but lightbulbs typically pop when you are busy cooking, working, dreaming. Lightbulbs don't ask for permission. They barge right in and if you are not home, they fuse ever so gently.

So I digress as the theme is not lightbulbs, it is all about HEART. You might argue that heart should not be a theme for one month, it is forever. And you would be absolutely right.

Why now, why this month. Apart from the obvious that Cupid has a dedicated day which retail stores are exploiting, it was prompted by some incredible musings by some gifted writers.

I believe that each one of us knows about this path with heart. Some of us have followed it and some of us have stood on the sidelines wringing our hands choosing the dictates of the head instead. There are no right or wrong answers as to each a journey as unique as a fingerprint.

But and this is a big BUT...

When you look in the mirror with eyes listless, unwilling, dragging your feet.
When you are tired by the thought of Monday.
When you can't remember as you seem to forget too often.
When you feel anxiety creeping, clutching at you with clammy fingers reminding you of possible failure.
When you look back to find a whole bunch of coulda, shoulda, woulda and only ifs

All these whens and there are more warning whens.

Then if you don't stop to have that talk about the path with heart with the man in the mirror. Then you have betrayed yourself.

Now the path with heart is not about chucking your paycheck, getting on that bike and riding the wind. It could be that for some. It could also be about finding that nugget in our treasure chest that brightens those eyes, that lifts the chin, that squares the shoulder. Once you find it, once you have the courage to pursue it, once you understand that no outside voice can quell it, you are set free.

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense." The Alchemist

Whose Wall Is It Anyway? Letter To FB

Dear FB,

Please don't ask me to write on someone's wall, poke them, ask them to upload a picture or friend people you think I might know. I know you mean well but let's face it you are not match.com

Let's see I joined Facebook June 2006 and I must admit I have been hooked. I was there when all those applications were the rage. Superpoke was big that year, vampire fighting was in and so were all those growing gifts, animals popping from eggs, grafitti on the wall etc. Seen you guys move the dot and assimilate a lot of good stuff. And here's my take on your audience.

There are people who are new to facebook and pacing themselves. I call them the "Gingers". They have just signed up and are gingerly testing the waters. Like my daughter for instance. She joined and she got hit with a bunch of friend requests. She is searching for a profile picture and will not upload one till it is exactly what she is looking for. The gingers will take their time to understand the environment. They are self conscious and do not want to blurt something on their virtual wall and put their proverbial foot in the face. They are also very concerned about what their friends might post on their wall.

Then there are the Divers. Divers typically dive into everything with full gusto. They found something. They will learn everything about it. That profile picture will be on the very next hour. They will import email addresses. Scan their friends friends. Send friend requests. Within a few weeks, Divers would have completely understood the environment and raring to go. Divers will "like" comments; they will comment on links/posts and have those status updates buzzing. They might even bite off more than they can chew. Alpha...alpha...alpha.

You also have the Watchers. These folks have been around for sometime. They are there. They are quiet. They are reading. They may pretend that they are not interested and they will at gatherings say openly that they are too busy for facebook. They might ask Divers where they find the time to facebook. But they are there and they know just what you have been upto.

Another breed is the Sleepers. Sleepers or Dormants are different from watchers. They set up their profile. Probably forgot their username and password and have been like sleeping beauty, asleep for a few years. Now there are many instances when Dormants wake up and suddenly become active like those sleeper agents that Russia has planted in the US.

I would also throw in the Rashers. Rashers are dangerous to have as friends. They can write anything on your wall. Rashers go where no person has gone before. The bull in the china "wall" so to speak. Rashers can divulge information that was to be shared in an inbox. They can make provocative comments that can start a fire...you get the drift. The way to deal with Rashers is to isolate and use those newly improved privacy settings.

Add another important segment the Gamers. Gamers are competitive and committed folks who enjoy the many opportunities to match and win points. There are rural gamers who like the gentle farm animals, or the ones who prefer out and out combat...mafia, vampires, any others out there...bring it! You are either a Gamer or you are not...it is a genetic thang.

There are more. The optimists. The pessimists. The critics. The sage. The jokers. The daters. The mamas and the papas. People who make FB go round and around. So when you ask me to poke, to prod, to friend, to feed, to post, to suggest, remember all friends are not created equal. Jus sayin!

The Bridesmaid

Worn around the edges
And fading away
Aging faster, trying hard
To keep Chronos at bay

Memories woven and spun like silk
Sepia scenes embellished,
Enhanced and retouched
Unable to gaze away

Constant chatter clutters the mind
Every empty space crammed with noise
Silence and stillness
No longer a choice

Her eyesight’s fading
Her hearing acute
Her body failing
Her mind astute

Her life was lonely
But not alone
Tending to children
Not her own

A supporting role
The eternal sidekick
Always the bridesmaid
Never the bride

Unsure of her legacy
Of lives she touched
Gifts of music, language
Poetry and love

With every reflection
Faint outlines of possibility
As ethereal as the mists
On the hilltops of Ooty

Do we ever die if we can
Touch one life
Change one destiny
Inspire one verse?

Copyright © 2008 Shaku Selvakumar